How did it become familiar?

When we start to display the behaviour on a regular basis (either publicly or privately), it becomes a pattern, and patterns are familiar. Once a behaviour becomes familiar, our feelings towards it change. Perhaps when you first did it you felt pleasure, relief, safety, shock, or anger at yourself for having done it. Once it becomes a pattern, these feelings are dulled. They are still there, but dulled. So you may have that nagging voice in your head telling you that you ‘should’ do something about this, but the feeling you feel is rarely strong enough to move you to action. So you continue.

When did your first behaviour turn into a pattern? How did that come about? What is the difference in feeling between when you first displayed this behaviour and how you feel when you do it now?

How did it become part of my identity?

As you continue in the pattern, ignoring the voice in your head telling you that you should stop, you may hear yourself utter the words: “This is just the way I am.” When we look back over 10-20 years and see the same pattern of behaviour, we may start to think that it’s logical to believe that this must be who we are. When we start thinking like this, our pattern starts to become part of our identity. This is where people can start to feel low about themselves or even depressed if the pattern they display is very self-destructive or has prevented them from achieving their most important goals.

Ask yourself: Do I believe that this pattern is part of who I am? Do I secretly believe that it can’t really be changed?

What do I gain from this pattern?

We do nothing without gaining something ourselves. There is always a pay-off for our behaviour and identifying it is important in order to move forward. Some people go from one bad relationship to the next and while they are unhappy, the pay-off is that they have ‘companionship’ or are not alone. Some people keep their true feelings to themselves and always adapt to others and the pay-off may be that they feel liked by lots of people. Some eat and drink in an unhealthy way and the pay-off is release of tension. Others always put others before themselves and this makes them feel useful, worthwhile, or even superior.

So what do you gain from your pattern? What need does it fill that is important enough to prevent you from breaking this habit? If you stopped doing it, what would not be missing in your life?

What is it costing me?

This is the part where many of us bury our heads in the sand. What is the pattern costing us? The person who is constantly in a bad relationship may not even notice the opportunities for a great relationship around them. The pattern may be costing them happiness. The person who eats and drinks unhealthily may be tired all the time, developing health complaints, not happy with their appearance, and creating unhealthy physical addictions. They may only be operating on 40% of their potential energy and as such cannot fully enjoy their life.

What is your pattern costing you? What would happen if you did nothing about it and let the pattern continue for another 10 years? What has it cost you up until now? Make a list of these and look for as many answers and examples as you can.

Part 3 takes you through 4 simple steps to help you break your habit and start to replace it with ones that work for you!

Breaking Negative Habits of Behaviour – Part 3

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